If you live in the DC Metro area, and you do not know what
DCKickball is, you live under a rock. Kickball in the DC area is a good place to meet fun people and to get wasted. The games are short and the after parties are long. I was recruited to join a team for the Spring league (I joined the Fall league last year with a sorority sister but we knew no one else on our team, long story short, we only went to the first game) by my friend we will call Perfect Perky Breasts (PPB). PPB also recruited our friends Kenny (remember Kenny = sum of two parts, Kaye and Jenny), Renee, and I recruited Julie. We knew no one else on the team except for our two perfect male specimen friends, GQ and Skinny Tie. GQ is named GQ because he looks like he should be on the cover of GQ laughing as though someone is tickling him, when in reality the photographer told him to fake laugh so the camera gets the full impact of his abs while laughing/flexing. Meanwhile, we have his best friend/roommate, Skinny Tie, who looks like a singer for a trendy NYC rock band, where you basically can only envision him in tight jeans, a white button down, and black skinny tie. Needless to say, I hope to be tagged in many pictures with them.
Initially, the girls and I decided this would be a good way to make friends and find a husband. Indeed, our mission was to find a Kickball Husband (KH). Our KH's would be tall, muscular, straight, with infectious laughs that make you feel guilty for playing a game called "KickBALL". Upon on first game, we realized, this was not going to happen.
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****SIDESTORY: Every kickball team has a Pre-Season Kickball Party. Julie and I attempted going to this (Kenny, PPB, and Renee could not make it), but we were fashionably late to the pre-game aka we did not make it, and our team was indecisive and frankly annoying ass as sh*t, so we just decided to go to Mister Days in Arlington. I texted GQ (not a part of the of the indecisiveness, as he and Skinny Tie were just as fashionably late) to meet us at Mister Days. He and Skinny Tie do, and we casually drink and start dancing. The point of this story was the fact that, at this bar, was a group of women. In this group was an 80 year old woman wearing an argyle sweater and jeans. We all made note of this, as she was breaking it down on the dance floor. The bar was also very
BBC, if you know what I mean. Old woman and the
BBC's were tearing it up. The four of us laughed at this, and continued to judge the rest of the
BBC's as white people music blared and they knew all the words. At one point, GQ pulled out the revival move on Skinny Tie. This apparently angered Old Woman's group of girls, so one of them came over and asked us if we were "making fun of the terminally ill elderly woman over there". Poor little GQ. He abruptly told her no and for the rest of the night was shell shocked. We were careful not to look in their direction again. When we left the bar, low and behold this group was in front of us, and Grandma was stumbling around like a waste case. I ran up and got a picture with my phone, but the darkness was too great to get a sufficient picture
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For the second game (on Drinko-de-Mayo) only Kaye, PPB, and I went. PPB and I met at Kenny's apartment, where we made margs with the Jose I bought up the street. We finished those and drank a beer. I stuffed three beers in my bag for later on. We realized we needed to leave as we were going to be late, so we went to the metro. After getting off at our stop, PPB gets a call from GQ telling us if "we don't get there, we have to forfeit." Sh*t son. We start running. Our game was on the National Mall, and our Metro stop was the Smithsonian. That is about a half mile distance. We ended up running it. Let me just say, I set the pace, but poor Kaye and PPB do not have the leg length of my 5'10 frame so it was a disaster. Let me remind you of our stomachs filled with tequila and beer. Oh. My. God. I will never do that again. You cannot pay me to do that again. There we are, sprinting around the National Monument to our game, and Kaye yelling how she just vomited in her mouth. I think we all had vomit in our mouths at this point, but Kaye was the only one who could speak with vomit in her mouth. We got to the field, and were not commended for our heroic efforts from the Metro. I bend over to puke, and GQ beratted us for being late. Does he not understand Drinko-de-Mayo?
So usually, the teams we play are fun. Well, this team we played on this particular day, was not. They were out for blood. GQ's motto is Fun Wins. Fun does win. We scored the first inning, and this was the only point scored by either team the entire game. Many balls were caught, many balls were thrown at bases. I started calling the other team the Dementors because they had dark gray shirts and sucked fun out from their teammates. I caught a ball in some inning and proceeded to make a "SUCK IT" gesture. Luckily, the refs liked our team and did not like the intensity from the dark side. I heard one girl on Gray say "HUSTLE TEAM HUSTLE". B*tch, if someone on my team told me to hustle, I would trip her and shove her face in the grass, hoping she was allergic. Hustling is for sports that matter. Social kickball does not matter. They also had line-ups and strategies. Obvi it didn't work, as we won. I caught the third out in the last inning, and I celebrated.
We were packing up to leave, but there was a camera crew there who wanted to interview us (we were more fun). One dude on our team was interviewed, then of course, next in line, was GQ. I mean, he was the obvious choice. Next she wanted a girl. I know media. I know media is scary. I know interviews make me word vomit. I did NOT want to be interviewed. I was peer pressured, and eventually gave in. She asked where I worked. I told her. I am an idiot. As it was word vomiting out of my mouth, I had a little kick in my stomach saying Shut the F*ck Up. Urgh. I was sweaty and gross. I do not glisten when I exercise, but rather I am of the piggish nature. Hopefully the camera did not catch that.
After this, we head to the bar. The bouncer saw the beers I forgot about, and made me dispose of them before entering. Talk about shameful. We drank some beer, and got some tots. There are some fools on our team who didn't go to Virginia Tech. Too bad, so sad. We ended up playing flip cup against the Dementors, but they were so awful and not fun, I was bored. The camera crew then started filming us playing and drinking. I am screwed. I tried covering my face with my hair. I think I failed. I started having a panic attack and ran to PPB and told her of my anxiety. I said I wanted to leave. She would not let me. She went up to the newswoman and told her to not disclose my work information. Thank god for PPB.
La dee da. Nothing fun really happened at the bar. GQ, Skinny Tie, PPB, Kaye, teammate Jeff, and I left for the Metro. Remember how it was a half mile from our field? Well the bar was far from the field, in the opposite direction of the Metro stop. I KNEW there was another station around the block, but no one listened, so I of coursed I followed and knew we were essentially going on a Mecca. Kaye had been playing full cup flip cup, so she was intoxicated. She had to pee too. PPB and I discussed our fears of having to pee on the way home earlier that day, and luckily, we did not fall victim to our bladders. Kaye and Jeff hit it off though. I see a potential KH for her in him. I think he thought I was really weird. It's cool though because I kind of am.
Kaye still had to pee, so she started running to what she thought was a bathroom next to the Monument. Out of nowhere she leapt, and we were all thinking "what a crazy Filipino." We get closer to where she jumps, and realized she jumped a dark rope fence. I was so impressed with her quick hurtling skills, as the dark rope was virtually impossible to see until you were right up on it since it was dark outside. Good work Kaye. Good work also to Kaye, as the building she ran for was indeed a female restroom. Props to Kaye.
The metro ride was long and a struggle. We had to stand (except for Kaye and Jeff who sat next to each other <3 ). We saw one of PPB good friends, Jess, which she had been texting all night. I thought that was crazy. I fell asleep standing up.
We get off the Metro, and I drove home. I saw two cops. I was nervous as hell.
Now everyone is jealous of our Kickball group.
The end.
