CARE

I left work Monday afternoon, placed my ear phones in, and made my way to my Jetta parked in a parking garage about 6 blocks away. Walking there is a fun, interesting walk... usually. My building is located next door to the City's Probation Office, so the riff-raff that usually builds up in outside of it (especially since there is a bus stop right in front: bus stop = public transportation = not white people friendly) is typically worth noting. There were various different colors of dark skinned people, pets, and insects. 4 female employees, all appearing to be divorced and miserable, stood out front having their hourly cigarette break, most likely bonding over how their pre-pubecsent teenagers recently discovered RedTube and YouPorn and there are no clean towels in the house.

I walked by them, head high, music loud. I passed Banana Republic, a staple brand in any white girl closet, and reached the stoplight where there are two options for me to reach my destination. I could either cross straight or turn left and cross. The turn left and cross was the most viable option, as the light was green. Now, while crossing the crosswalk, I saw two young white men in black polos and khakis standing in front of Popeyes holding literature. White people do not go into Popeyes, so I knew they something was off. I was about 100 feet away when the taller, more attractive one started smiling and waving excitedly. A few things crossed my mind: A. I met this smiley boy, but did not remember his face so I was going to have to pretend I remember when he tells me we met at Wendy's one fateful night, OR  B. He was a Jesus (a Jesus = a dumb, religious person attempting to convert all non-Jesuses) OR C. He was related to TCB, because he sure as hell reminded me of him and had the same mannerisms. Also crossing my mind was that I had my f*cking retainer in and this random boy is about to talk to me and I am self-conscious. I walked a few more feet and instantly started sweating because Waving Boy looked more and more like TCB and he hadn't texted me in like, 3 months, and he is supposed to be in some country Europe where I hope he gets the plague.

I got closer.

Waving Boy: WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?

Me in my head: Is this really happening? Am I going to be converted to a Jesus today? I actually don't know what I'm listening to, just some indie music I downloaded two nights ago so I have something added to my iTunes that isn't Lady GaGa or Glee, so when people look through my iTunes they say I have great taste and I want me to burn them a mixed tape 

Me aloud: WHAT???

Waving Boy: What are you listening to?

Me: (Stopped in front of the two black polos boys and stare, wondering if I should speak or not because I DO have plastic in my mouth, along with a really bad speech impediment because of this plastic so I dunno if they really want me to speak): I am really freaked out right now.

Waving boy and friend: Why???

Me: Are you associated with Popeyes?

Waving boy: (laughs) No, no, we are with CARE. Defending dignity. Fighting poverty.

Me in my head: Do I have 30 minutes to spare? This is entrapment. I wonder if I should be rude and keep walking. I mean, really though, I just worked 9 hours saving children and I want to go for a run before it starts raining even though it feels like a swamp outside and I am already sweating in my pits. This boy is cute though...

Me aloud: Oh I thought you were with Popeyes. You guys shouldn't stand out front. People will get the wrong idea.

Black polos laugh.

Me in my head: Thank god he didn't pursue the "what are you listening to" question. I would have to look at my iPod and tell him I'm listening to the new Twilight soundtrack.

Waving Boy approaches me closer to get more intimate, obviously about to give me his CARE schpeel. 

Waving Boy: Do you like to travel?

Me in my head: He looks like TCB. I am nervous. 

Me aloud: Yes.

Waving Boy: Oh you do?! Where is your favorite place to travel to?

Me: Japan

Waving Boy: Oh wow Japan! What is your favorite thing about Japan?

Me: The food.

Waving Boy: Haha actually that is my favorite answer. I love the food too.

Me: I like sushi.

Waving Boy: Haha! So why were you there?

Me: My parents.

Waving Boy: How long were you there?

Me: Four years. Then I came here.

Waving Boy: Talks about CARE. Talks about women and children dying from childbirth, dying from starvation, dying from dying.

I listened intently.

All while this is occurring, I tried to appear as attractive as possible with a retainer in my mouth. I learned somewhere that arching your back is a mating call as is fluttering your eyelashes. Someone also once told me that when females touch their hair, they are sending off sexual signals, but I don't like my hands (man hands, gorilla like) and I didn't have mittens to cover them up with, so I didn't touch my hair. I sucked in my stomach, and tried as much as possible to smile without showing my teeth. I did that thing you do when you have braces where you cover up your teeth with your upper lip because you are embarrassed and think no one can really notice your orthodontia if you cover it with your upper lip when really everyone knows you have a metal mouth. I laughed as little as possible, and when doing so, I cover my mouth with my hand. Typically, my flirting is a cross between being a menstruating b*tch with a lot of wit and charm, and lots of laughing. Since I couldn't laugh freely, I tried my hardest not to be appear like a humorless b*tch because this kid was talking to me about dying people who I really did feel sorry for. 

About halfway through his speech (about 45 minutes later) it starts to rain. We had to move under the Popeyes awning to seek cover. 

Waving Boy: You see this woman here? (Points to picture of black woman on his literature) She was given two dollars and created a life by herself by creating a banana farm and sells bananas and employs her daughters to sell bananas. She paid for her education....

Me in my head: I would love a banana right now. I really need to go for a run. It's raining right now and I'm getting wet. Do you think I should say I'm wet? Would that turn him on? He has hazel eyes and freckles. Our wedding should be outside so our eyes catch the sunlight and people would say our children are going to have beautiful eyes.

Waving Boy: .... We try to encourage people to donate every month by cutting back on things. For example, we tell people to not drink bottled water...

Me in my head: Oh he would love me. I love my Camelbak waterbottle but F*CK where is it? Dammit left it on my desk. I wonder if my salmon filet is thawed out at home. I will have that and my leftover veggies for dinner. I could whip up some rice too.

Waving Boy:  I am a student. I have to pay rent and tuition. I've made sacrifices. So for only 30 dollars a month....

Me in my head: WTF WHITE BOY. Your DADDY pays your tuition and rent. You live in the DC area. If you really wanted to help out, transfer to an instate public institution and donate the money you would have spent going to a private school to the starving Africans. I  know your tricks.

Me aloud: Omg. I cannot afford that. I am going to have an anxiety attack paying $30 a month.

Waving Boy: It's totally worth it.... more babble I don't remember.

Me in my head: If I sign up, he will have my phone number on file, meaning there is a chance he'll call me and possibly Facebook me. What a cute way to say you met your fiance.

Me aloud: I'll do it.

Waving Boy: Really?

Me: Yes. Sign me up.

Waving Boy: Ok! Whips out iPhone.

Me: I enter it in there?

Waving Boy: Yeah!

Me: Ok.

He takes my information and I am nervous someone on the street knows me. There I was, standing infront of Popeyes, getting shuffled around by the Latinos trying to get in and out the fried chicken stand, getting wet and giving my credit information out to a stranger on the street with a folder with a large Indian woman head on the cover. My reputation and street cred were at stake.

After the exchange of my name, address, phone number, credit info, etc... we said farewell. I walked away, placed my pods back in my ears, and marched away feeling good I did something great for society. I got in my car, and did a drive-by, just in case black polos saw me and would think I was cool and outdoorsy because I drive a graphite grey Jetta with roof racks. 

It was only while I was running eventually, (swampland, I live in swampland hell; it rained on me during this run, just as I was passing a church - a church I used to go to - a church I was Confirmed at - a church my parents still attend - karma.) did I begin to think this was a scam and I needed to cancel my monthly plan. I called Julie and Kaye on my ride home and they freaked because, essentially, if this boy was not attractive, I would not have donated. I guess, in short, I paid $20 because I prayed there might be a possibility Waving Boy might call me. Then I thought to myself  I wear a retainer. I then started planning my life - alone.