No I am not talking about that kind of ghetto.
I am talking about the straight out of Precious ghetto; something you would reference to Biggie ghetto.
Our journey began when we met Maggie at her cousin's house in the first ghetto neighborhood of Baltimore I had experienced. Her cousin goes to UMBC, and strolled out of his townhouse dressed in a sombrero, board shorts and his UMBC lacrosse jersey. We were headed to their family's tailgate at Raven's stadium, and had to figure a way to get there. With us on this trip were Maggie, myself, Kathleen, MDav (our current Virginia Tech Homecoming Queen: see Sassy), Maggie's boyfriend Ebs, Maggie's cousin who we will call Sombrero, and Maggie's cousin's friend who is unimportant because I don't remember him.
Our first obstacle this day, was figuring a way to get to the stadium. Our mission was to find the "Light Rail". Sounds like something out of Indiana Jones, and it should be considered into being made into a feature film starring Blake Lively as me (she would play me in a Window's 7 commercial for my imagination... FYI Steve Jobs thought of Window's 7), and I don't really know how Indiana would play a role in this mission, but I mean, I guess we could write him in.
Anyways, we decided that, since there were only 7 of us, we would just pile into Kathleen's Passat. No biggie. MDav sat on my lap in a crouched position mimicking a rollie pollie, and Maggie sat on Ebs' lap. It should have been a straight shoot to this Light Rail, but it was not. Sombrero had Kathleen drive to his friend's house who he thought might know where this Light Rail might be. There are a lot of mights in this story. The friend was not home, as Sombrero proved after patrolling the house for any life forms.
We ended up getting on various different highways, going on a ghetto safari. It was fun getting a tour of a place I will certainly never end up again. We pulled over at a gas station, and I peed because it's me and I always have to pee. Even though I didn't touch one thing in this bathroom, I do think I am infected. Don't worry, I'm getting tested next week. The bathroom surely gave me an airborne disease, and I really don't want to risk it.
After we finally found this "Light Rail", we bought our tickets (which we ended up not needing because apparently they don't check tickets? Only in Baltimore) and we waited. This Rail track looked like a Busch Garden's ride for the pussy kids who think it's fun to ride on a fake train, when in reality it's not fun going 5 mph in a straight line with the "conductor" faking enthusiasm while he regrets his felony assault charges back in the 80's that brought him this low life of conducting a fake train for 6 year old niglets.
While waiting, another Light Rail customer showed up. Low and behold this wigger had an ankle monitor, and shouted at us to see if we had change for a five. B*tch please. I am not giving you five ones you will go and use on some clapping stripper. I know your tricks gypsy. Us non-wigger white people can see your bracelet and we know it's not something you get at Claire's.
Wigger.
So after getting on the "Light Rail" I made a note to myself that the title makers for this mode of tranportation got it wrong. It should have been called the "Dark Rail", if you catch my drift.
We saw every life form imaginable. There was a man behind us with two tear drop tattoos, and various other urban stereotypes. Fortunately for us, we sat behind three white people, all lacrosse fans, on their way to the games as well. Oh white people and their outdoor field sports.
Kathleen and me.
We arrived at the tailgate, and I for one, felt underdressed. This was not a place for the ugly, fat, or non-WASP population. Everyone was beautiful. Everyone played lacrosse. Every girl had a dress on, and every boy had their school's lacrosse jersey on. I wanted to film my interactions with these people, because frankly, the were all ridiculous. The most pathetic thing all day was the sole non-white person there was a black toddler, about 4 years old, running around with a lacrosse stick. I'm pretty sure he was lost, but I was not at work, so I didn't help.
Maggie's uncle, aka Sombrero's father, brought this large portable bar/trailer type thing, and we paid $25 for endless amounts of beer, wine, and food for the rest of the day. It was a very nice get-up. What tickled me silly was that, no matter what beer I chose, no matter what tap it came from or how they poured it, the beer was foamy. Slightly frustrating when all you wanna do is get drunk. We learned our lesson and started taking two beers at a time. We switched to wine at one time, but in all honesty, I didn't want to be that fruitcake drinking wine at a tailgate.
At one point, we were sitting down under a tent to avoid the sunlight (vampires) and from a distance, I see this short nugget of a man/boy/child. The only reason I noticed him earlier is because he was topless. Topless as in, he was walking around, showing of his perfectly lean, injected abdomen/shoulders/arms. Some might find that attractive -- I do not. I wanted to mess with his head. Obviously something was wrong either upstairs or downstairs -- compensating for a lack of mind or lack of peen. He started walking over to our tent because he knew someone in our circle. I kept staring at him. I had to get a picture. I went up and asked him. He laughed and said yes. I am 5'10. He was 4'10. Poor thing probably thought I was obsessed with him if I asked for a picture. Because of my downward angle view of his body, I saw his shaved back stubble. D.i.s.g.u.s.t.i.n.g. Funnily enough, I had purchased a coupon the previous day for 6 treatments of laser hair removal I will be using on my legs. I should have given it to him. After the picture, he started pissing me off.
I cut myself out. I am a beached whale. He is flexing, obvi.
Maggie has braces. I wear a retainer. Good for us for fixing our teeth. Well, Nugget Douche Bag (NDB), attempted conversation by flat out asking us "You guys look young. You still in college?" And we all shut him down. He then started on about how we all look young, listing Maggie as the youngest because of her braces. He then started bashing the orthodontia. All the while he was doing this, I had MDav's camera and snapped no less that 89 pictures of him. He then showed her his "beaver teeth" and told her he needed braces as well. From wearing a retainer, I know how people respond when you tell them you are fixing your teeth. They get self conscious. They then vent to you about how then need to fix this or that about their grill but they "don't want to get braces/retainer." Pretty sure having a perfect smile for the rest of your life is worth the money and time you put into it. That is just me though. Obviously NDB's priorities fell upon his body, whereas mine are my mouth. Our conversation dissipates and he goes to mingle with the lacrosse barbies. I catch him a few times looking over at me, pointing probably telling his bros I'm the piece who wanted to make his peen wet or some foul, boy talk word for me wanting him. Ha, what a fool.
The beaver discussing his teeth with Maggs.
Hours go by, and instead of going to the game, we get hungry for some real food, so we venture into Baltimore. The nice parts are nice. After dinner, we walk back, but along the way we see these poor, helpless Chic-Fil-A workers trying to give away the new Spicy Chicken Sandwich. They had a cooler filled with them, but we had already eaten, so all of us were polite and turned them down. We started to walk away and I realized, they didn't want us to take them, they needed us to take them. By this hour, all the tailgaters had gone into the game. They were stuck in corporate pit of free giveaways. If they didn't give that whole cooler away, they would have to stay until the real vampires came out. Being the kind, generous soul I am, I told them I would help them out. I got all of us to take a sandwich, but I went further and took no less than 16 of the sandwiches and shoved them in my purse. I know they were grateful. I just increased their chances of survival by 50%, as I ended up taking half the cooler. I told them I would help give them away, but that idea got shut down by the Chic-Fil-A Nazi of the group who said that was illegal or some nonsense about corporate. I was tempted to put each sandwich back in their cooler because apparently, if I can't give them away, I would have to eat them. Is that their logic while I was shoving my bag with fried poultry? That I would eat every single one? I have the right mind to write a letter-
"Dear Chic-Fil-A,
I am a long time consumer of your products. I love your breading on your nuggs, and the pickles you put on your Grilled Chicken Breast sandwich. I love your signature Chic-Fil-A sauce and the way your fries resemble this weird necklace my friend JFed wears. But, all this aside, I do not like one of your employees. She was dark skinned, medium height, I think she had large boobs, and black hair. It is quite possible she is obese She works for you in promotions in some restaurant close to Baltimore. I tell you this because I am a good citizen. On Saturday, May 29th, I attended the Final Four Lacrosse Championships at Raven Stadium. This woman, along with 4 other employees, patrolled tailgates offering free Spicy Chicken Sandwiches. We encountered them at the end of their shift. To be kind, I offered to take 16 sandwiches off their hands. They obliged, and graciously gave us 79 free Spicy Chicken Sandwiches coupons in return. Upon walking away, I told them I would help hand them out. This worker in question, snapped and told me I was not allowed to do this. I am here to report to you Chic-Fil-A, that an employee of yours forced me to eat 16 sandwiches. How is one to do this? I do not know. Binging is an eating disorder. She encouraged me to be obese. I have two courses of action you could take for you to possibly, avoid a lawsuit. Fire this employee or open up on Sundays so we can enjoy your your goodness on God's day. You have been warned.
Sincerely,
Fat Patron"
After UVa lost (there was a game going on this whole time, Duke vs. UVa, I do not need to tell you who I was rooting for... it is a given), we went home. Same "Light Rail" ride (given we were coming from a lacrosse game, the "Light Rail" lived up to its name), different ride home. We were all very thirsty. Since I paid for Maggie and Kathleen's meal, Maggie decided to make it up to me by buying my drinks at 7-11. I bought three: 2 liter water, 1 liter Vitamin Water, and a Diet Pepsi. I downed that water between 7-11 and the 7 minute car ride home. On the way though, we stopped at a stoplight. There was a sign on the right side of the road that said "House 4 Sale 14K Call ###" Hrm. That sounds like a quality investment.
We get back to Sombrero's place, and we PTFO'd. The last thing we did before sleeping was munch on "Burger Cakes" that Kathleen bought. Going to bed with WASP-y memories from that day, while having the aftertaste of Burger Cakes ecstasy in your mouth really is underrated. You should try it sometime soon.
The End.
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