It's Hazel's birthday on Sunday, so what better way to celebrate than to pack up a car and head on down to Richmond where she works to give people lung cancer (Philip Morris). Hazel's going to be 23!
In the car from Northern Virginia was Goetz, Po, and Paula. Paula is a dude. He is not white, but rather a brown man who I call Paula.
On our way to our meeting spot (Goetz's apartment), Po and I pick up an ice coffee at Starbucks. I already had to pee, but I mean, tis the season for some muther f*ckin' ice coffee. Don't tell me you don't like dat ice coffee. If you white, you like it. BUT it makes you have to pee.
When we pack in the car, I warn these three BROS about my urinary problem, but Goetz says "we will need to stop to get food, I am hungry". In my head I get a little panicked because once on the road, who really wants to stop?
The drive was fun, but I had to pee. I made it known that I could not continue to be fun if I could not relieve myself. We pull off to a Subway, and I sprint to the one person woman's bathroom. Fancy that, it was locked. Paula let's me go into the men's bathroom. Thank Allah.
Po and Goetz get a sandwich, 5 dolla footlong to be exact, and sit down to eat. I start to rave about the veggie patty on flatbread. Me talking about it makes me hungry, so I gotta get me one. I get one. We then start talking about a listserv they have, where they essentially send out cruel and unusual things. They sent a picture out of a girl we know who gained 100 pounds. We are done, so we get in the car and I tell them I HAVE to see this picture. They spend about 5-10 minutes looking on their iPhones in the parking lot, and I decided I need to pee again. Paula looks at me like a brown would look at a white when they say something crazy, and I run in and pee again. Whew
When I got back in the car, they showed me the picture. Sad, but so funny. Who doesn't love it when someone gains a small adult or large baby? She is basically all we talk about for the next 90 minutes to Hazel's.
At Hazel's, the five of us are just catching up with her. Po had just gotten back from Vegas. Hard life. He went for work for a conference. From the way he behaved, it would have been safe to assume he was just released from an interment camp. Damn that 3 hour time difference. DAMN IT. And DAMN being fed on per diem at Bobby Flay's restaurant. DAMN THE COMPANY CREDIT CARD IN VEGAS.
Just so you know, among all of our friends, Po is the most fun and by far the EASIEST person to pick on. If he was obese and was 10, he would be the boy from Up!
After picking on him for a while, we start to get ready. We were getting ready to go to a brother's house about 15 minutes away before we go to Hazel's birthday dinner. We will call this brother, Miller.
There's a lot of names to be said, so get ready.
We get to Miller's. Geisha is there (she is another sweetheart, to add the total night's SH count to 3). Geisha has been BBMing and calling me all day, and has progressively gotten less coherent and more impossible to understand. Paula also keeps calling her "dirty ass". Benjamin is also there, and we will call him Benjamin because he is the oldest out of all of us, and during college (he stuck around after his graduation, thus his being older) he looked the oldest too. Old manish really. BUT he lost about 59 pounds, and turned into Benjamin Button. He looks the youngest now, and none of his clothes fit. Bock is also there. Bock is a blackout muther f*cker and the whitest white guy we know, minus the fact that he gets the Asian glow when he drinks.
Miller's house is fun. Geisha corners me after she showers and asks me if what she is wearing is slutty. Basically she is wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a black waist belt. Way too short. Her dirty ass was out getting dirty. She shows me her next outfit choice. Much better. Everyone else (all guys) tells her to put the shirt back on. She gets confused. She gets confused a lot. She wants a picture inside the kayak in the house. We get in the kayak, and review the picture. A word to the wise, if you are tan or Asian, do not wear brown panties if you intend on spreading your legs for a picture. This will appear to be your vag.
We take taxi's to Hazel's dinner. There are so many of us, and we are not sober, that all the people at the table were thoroughly overwhelmed. I get shunned by Hazel's coworker on my left, but thank god I have black out Bock to my right. He created new scale on rating girls: the Binary. Girls are either a 1 or a 0. 1 is f*ckable. 0 is not. He kept saying our waitress was a 1. On the normal rating scale, she was about a 5 or 6. On the binary scale, girls have about a 90% chance of being f*ckable. Whew. Thank goodness.
Hazel opens her presents. The Miller household and all males included, wrapped a box with porn in newspaper. I got her a card that sings. I also bought her a shot after dinner.
We make our way to the first bar where they have a table on a small stage. After about 45 minutes, they get kicked out of the table, to which the bouncers remove, so the small stage is a small stage for Geisha to get up and practice her stripper moves on. She does this, and brings Hazel along with her. I go off to find a male to talk to. The men were ugly. The bartender was hot though, but f*ck, there is nothing worse than a hot bartender. You know you won't be able to talk to them for the entire night, unless you want to be that jackass desperate girl (um hello... me?) that distracts him from his work. Sigh. There were no other options in the bar.
Our next stop is another bar called Black Fin. We start walking there, and the streets are made of f*cking cobberstone. Kryptonite for girls in heels.
Black Fin was nice. One of my sorority sisters and I poked fun at some dude who was fist pumping:
"Are you from Jersey"
"HUH?"
"Are you from Jersey"
"WHAT?"
"I asked you if you were from Jersey. You are fist pumping."
"FIST PUMPING IS COOL"
"ok"
Instant turn and walk away.
I go up to this table we have and the table next to us are blond girls who need some cheeseburgers. Geisha and I were dancing and one of the ana's calls Geisha a hoe. I know she was just jealous of our full figured, cheeseburger eating bodies (even though Geisha doesn't eat cheeseburgers).
The rest of this bar time was dancing and singing old school songs. Bock and Miller left, and Bock BBM's me out of desperation that he wishes he didn't leave. I sent him a few voice notes of us having fun without him. We know it's time to leave when we see Hazel getting into a rumble with a bouncer. Po takes care of her, taking her home with her friends.
This was the beginning of our night.
We walk to find a cab, and apparently some girl was mean to some dudes on the road. Paula starts yelling at the girl, who is walking underneath the bridge we are on. He calls her a dirty ass as well.
The cabbie doesn't know how to type into his GPS, and he doesn't understand the street we need to go to is Augusta. I told him it's a hard word.
We end up at Miller's again, even though we (we as in my carpool group) left our stuff at Hazel's. We watch some TV, Geisha and I are on the couch. We end up falling asleep together on the couch. Someone kept ripping our blanket off of us, which is the biggest dick move you could make. We end up head to feet on this couch. Someone was kind enough to put a pillow underneath my head and add another blanket. Thankfully Geisha is 5'2 and I am 5'10, so there is room for us. It's around 2:30 when we fall asleep. We wake up about an hour and a half later to Benjamin in his jockeys with a helmet on, and a reciept in the helmet making him look like a character from 300.
Benjamin is on the left. I assume the one with the turban is Paula, and the one in the ninja flying stance is probably Po.
Apparently Benjamin was getting angry at inanmiate objects, and ramming into them with his head. Bock encouraged this by telling him the "traffic cone was talking smack about McCoy" or "the port-a-potty was sh*t talking Joey". Uhm, bad move traffic cone and port-a-potty. Travis attacked head first, and ended up tipping over the port-a-potty.
I'm glad Geisha and I missed the sh*t spillage.
They went into 7-11, making Benjamin stay outside. They told the cashier they had a retarded friend. Benjamin started pounding his head on the glass.
This was the story we woke up to. They shouted we missed the party and I'm thinking these white people be crazy. I didn't miss anything. I liked my inner eyelids.
Geisha and I fade in and out of sleep while the music blares. I awoke to them screaming SARAH WAKE UP and of course I obeyed, only to be punished with Benjamin's hairy ass in my face. He also dropped his jockeys a few times but would then pull them up. He kept saying "I WOULD GO NUDE IF THEY WEREN'T HERE" aw, what a gentleman. Not to say I wasn't exposed to anything. I saw his muff, butt, and peen. Good things to fall in and out of sleep to. He also kept saying he had a very small peen, and that "This is mine, and this is Joey's" Apparently Joey has a larger peen then Benjamin.
Eventually we are all asleep. I awoke to a beeping oven that Miller stuck his breakfast casserole in. Thankfully I removed it. It was tasty.
I gradually made everyone get up. We didn't know where Bock and Benjamin were though.... I did not mention this earlier, but Geisha made Miller post a tent up in the backyard for us to sleep in. Silly little Asian! We go outside and find Benjamin. Bock was with him. Delta Sigma Phi breeds bromosexuality. Benjamin slept on his stomach, head down, helmet on. Good visual.
They come inside, Benjamin keeps his helmet on.
After about an hour we decide to go to Waffle House.
Po isn't with us.
We get to Waffle House, only to realize it was not a place optimal for 9 people. We decide to go to Denny's. Prior to this though, Po BBM's us asking us to pick him up. I mean, he was like far away. There was NO way were were picking him up. Instead, we comforted him by taking a picture of the Casual Male next door to the Waffle House. We asked him if he needed anything. They had 8 XL. Does anyone know how large 8 XL is? I can't even pull up a picture on Google of it. I said it's like two California King size bedsheets sewn together. Po didn't find it funny. We sure did though.
We end up at Aunt Sarah's Pancake House. Yum. This was the funniest breakfast I've ever experienced. There I was, in my outfit from last night (with heels), Geisha had a dirty ass, and Bock was turning red from one of the more embarrassing stories that's ever been told about him. It involves two fingers and a belly button, and a possible rape. No biggie. The rest of the morning/afternoon we went out of our way to make the two finger gesture to him. Po was temporarily relieved of his position of Number 1 b*Tch.
Richmond was fun. This is Benjamin:
This affirms my stance that white people love Backstreet Boys way too much.
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