I will begin by introducing you to Sassy. Sassy is one of my bfff's and I love him to death. I call him Sassy for a reason though. He is sassy. Duh. He dishes sh*t out on a silver platter and when you dish it back, well, that's where the title comes from. "Shut the f*ck up Raser you smelly little c*nt"
Oh Sassy! ;-)
So after graduation, I went home, was lonely, and had left all my stuff back at Virginia Tech. I decided to go back and pack up because a. I wanted that sh*t over with and b. I'd get to be with my Sassy <3 <3
Now Sassy moved into a house down the street from the apartment I moved out of. We decided to go to El Rod's for dinner with a bunch of friendst. El Rod's is a cheap Mexican restaurant in Blacksburg, that you must be highly intoxicated for in order to convince yourself the food is real food. It's tasty, but one wonders what the meat is made of, and if the water is sanitary or if it's imported straight from Mexico.
SIDENOTE: I have a friend, we will call her Disney, who gave head for the first time to one of the waiters.
Anyways, Sassy and I split a fajitas dinner. We get margs. This is the beginning of the worst hangover of my life.
The night progresses and I'm sure it's filled with a lot of Sassy remarks about my smelly vag and me being "irrelevant". Sassy knows the exact phrases to cut into someone's soul. It's a very good quality about him. He knows everyone wants a place in this world, so as soon as he drops the "You are irrelevant" card on the table, the victim in question, will instantly get on the defense and throw some sh*t back at Sassy. This is usually a dumb female, typically small, blond, and wants to f*ck him. That's another thing about Sassy-- women like him-- he is very attractive and girls tend to want him... badly. Also, these are the girls who tend to do that whole "Shut up! Hehehehe" thing when a Sassy calls them a smelly c*nt or saggy labia. Sassy wants you to fight him, that is how you get his respect. Go Google some comebacks on your bedazzled Blackberry and get back to me.
Back to our night, we bar hop and see people we know. We end up at the bar everyone ends up at, Top of the Stairs, aka TOTS. TOTS is an overrated, crowded breeding ground for frat bros and sorostitutes. I was/am a sorostitute, and occasionally fell victim to TOTS' lure. It's like a siren, calling all Greeks into its midst forcing them to drink all of its awful awful rail liquor shoved into one drink: The Rail.
This picture is an example of a Rail (not a picture from Sassy and my night). A Rail is a shot of vodka, gin, bourbon, whiskey, and triple sec, with sour mix, coke, sprite, and cranberry juice. It might not look large in this photograph, but trust me, my hands are large. I have abnormal hands, and before you think something sexual, there is nothing sexual to say. I have big hands "that's what she said"... nope, doesn't work. "You know what they say about big hands..." No, I don't. Big TaTas? Yes I have those, but they are not proportional with my hands. If they were proportional, they would be F's.
SIDENOTE: I am leaning on Virginia Tech Homecoming Queen 2009 in this picture, and the Queen's boyfriend is hovering above me. And that is my Michael Kors purple shoulder bag. I am celeb.
Back to TOTS. TOTS is a watering hole, so you expect to see people there. Upon entering the doors, after climbing the steep wooden steps, you pay a cover fee ranging from 2-5 dollars. This night with Sassy, there was no cover.
He and I do the "Frat Lap" which, when the bar is crowded, is quite challenging, yet very fulfilling. You get to see people you might not see all the time, or you see someone from one of your classes that you actually have never met, but in your drunken stupor you are BFF's. It's also a good place to see your ex-whatevers and have some good awkward eye contact.
Now, during the summer, Blacksburg is not crowded. You can move around in bars without touching people, and this night was like that. We had our friends from dinner with us, so it was fun and there were a few other people we knew. We got our Rails (2nd bad decision) and we parted ways. I went to go socialize with some of my bro's and ho's, likewise with Sassy.
I sat outside with one of my sorority sisters who we had dinner with. She was smoking, and she was hammered. Hammered, as in if she reads this she will not remember this incident whatsoever. I will call her Gazelle (she is tall, pretty, and reminds me of a gazelle). Gazelle and I friends, we lived in our sorority house at the same time, we bond over being tall and single.
I sat outside with one of my sorority sisters who we had dinner with. She was smoking, and she was hammered. Hammered, as in if she reads this she will not remember this incident whatsoever. I will call her Gazelle (she is tall, pretty, and reminds me of a gazelle). Gazelle and I friends, we lived in our sorority house at the same time, we bond over being tall and single.
Sassy comes over. He is from North Carolina, and when he drinks, his southern drawl gets more and more drawl-ish. He is smoking, and he starts chatting with Gazelle and me. Remember Gazelle is black out.
We are talking about something unimportant apparently because within a few minutes of Sassy standing there, Gazelle reaches her hand up his shorts and yanks. I think she grabbed ball. She MIGHT have grabbed peen. Who. Knows.
Now picture it: Sassy standing, Gazelle hand up pant. Sassy looks at me with this look a child might get when assaulted by a funny uncle. I laughed.... little did I know how it would affect him.
Post-yank, Sassy pulls me aside and with his southern drawl says something along the lines of "RASER-- she pulled my balls. She stuck her HAND up my pants and PULLED!" I mean, Sassy has told me some crazy sh*t, so I didn't think much of it. So she grabbed your balls? Big deal. I've been grabbed and yanked before and you don't see me crying. My insensitivity to the situation might have ticked Sassy off because he felt he couldn't emphasize it enough that he was just fondled by Gazelle in public. I thought about it for a second, and realized that if it had happened to me, I would flip. BUT it didn't, so I laughed at him.
Poor Sassy.
The night continues on into drunken memories I do not remember (WiTh FrIeNdS i WoN't FoRgEt).
Sassy is infamous for his late night food addiction, so we try going to his local hot spot diner for 4th meal, but it's closed. The only times I've ever gone to this diner are with Sassy. Something usually happens, whether it be a fight, or a tot flying across the room, or someone yelling PLAN B at the annoying girl who won't shut her trap.
I tell Sassy I have eggs left in my fridge I need to get rid of. We start walking home, and low and behold, Gazelle finds us and follows us home. I love Gazelle, and she is always welcome in my home. Sassy is suffering from PTSD, so he is clinging on to me for dear life.
We go up to my apartment, I cook the eggs, Gazelle passes out on my short couch (poor thing, she is so long and I DO have a longer couch). Sassy likes to make passed out people into his own Etch-A-Sketch drawing with a Sharpie. He is so lucky I have the entire spectrum of colors for Sharpies. He starts to draw on her while I cook the eggs. I went to see what his artwork and he turned her into a colorful Charlie Chaplin. She is wearing blue flannel. Envision that.
Sassy's inspiration
He and I finish off the eggs, and decide to open up my last bottle of wine. We take it out on the porch and finish it off. This is the third and last poor decision of my night.
Now, Sassy is not circumsized. I had never seen one of those before. I asked him about it and he tells me it's like a corn-dog, where you can pull the corn up & down the dog. I asked to see it, and he says no. He starts peeing off the balcony (classy, Sassy) and I corner him and make him show me. He does. HE IS RIGHT. I touched it too. I slid the skin up and down that veiny thing... He may have just been peeing, but NO MATTER! I got to play with an uncircumsized peen (in a completely non-sexual way)!
Fun times.
We woke up in my bed (again, nothing sexual, just cuddly friends). I think Gazelle was gone. I go back to bed, and I think Sassy left soon after.
All I remember from the morning after was still being drunk from the wine, and progressively become more and more hungover throughout the day. I vomited and was mad at the world. This was one of the top 3 hangovers of my life, and I pray nothing beats it.
Recap: Sassy got yanked, with and without consent. His peen received a lot of action that night, but unfortunately for Sassy, none was of the nature he sought after.
The End.
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