Chelsea Handler

So Julie and I went to see the Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang tour at DAR Constitution Hall last night. I drove to her apartment around 6 (I avoided going to 5 o'clock mass with my parents cha ching), and we were picked up by Annie, a friend from high school I hadn't see in like, 6 years. In the car we all chit chat about life. Annie tells us we are going to pick up one of her friends from work, Heather, in Georgetown. That's cool. We pick Heather up, and she looks like a cross between Reese Whitherspoon and that girl who married Borat, but no one really knows her name. She in and of herself was probably one of the funniest things throughout the night.

We all go to sushi at a restaurant in DC called SEI. It was a trendy Japanese restaurant filled with white people. I felt like Lindsey Lohan. They had a drink that Julie got called Hello Kitty.... Hello Kitty the brand freaks me out. This is coming from a girl who lived in Japan for 4 years, and all that stereotyping of Japanese being obsessed with Sanrio (whose website is the "Home of Hello Kitty") and crazy shit, is true. Everything ended up having some type of Sanrio branding on it whether it be the stationary I used for school or the mother f*cking bento boxes I would order in a restaurant. Some argue that Bill Gates is the richest man in the world, but I beg to differ. Does Bill Gates own the enterprise that has its own airline and wine market? I don't think so.

Anyways, back to the event on hand. We order our drinks and sushi, I got Ketel One and cranberry in an effort to get in the true Chelsea Handler identity (even if she did sell out to Belvedere, I was in touch with her Horizontal Life roots).  Funny things are said throughout the night, but telling you them now would make you bored. I will say this though, Julie and I go to the bathroom, and we find out they have two toilets. On one of the doors it said "Her's" and the other said "Him and Her's". I was a little taken aback. My cousin goes to Unviersity of Vermont, and they have transgender bathrooms, so I was thinking this was some new, GLBTQ alliance bathroom. No, it wasn't. Someone just had a great f*cking idea to give women two opportunities to relieve themselves, giving men only one, and at the same time make men wait the lines we suffer from all the time. We go back to the table post-pee.

At another point, Julie and Heather go to the bathroom (damn those $10 drinks go through you), so Annie and I are talking. All of a sudden we heard a huge THUD, and everyone in the restaurant turns to see what made this THUD, and we see an old man on the floor of the stairs to get out (you had to walk down stairs to get to the restaurant). The hostesses are helping him up, and Annie and I are laughing. Now, in theory this sounds sad, but in reality it wasn't really. I think this old man had trouble holding his sake and "Hello Kitty"'s. That sounds a little molester-ish. Yes, so Annie and I are laughing at an old man who fell down the stairs. He was fine people, he was fine. Maybe a bruised hip, but I get bruises a lot and no one give me sympathy.

We leave this restaurant, go to the valet (yes, valet), get Annie's car, and head to her parking garage of where she works. This whole time the little red headed creature in the front seat, who we have been calling Heather, keeps telling us about how she had to meet Chelsea, and how if Chelsea really knew her, she would want to be her best friend. I just loved hearing this little stir fry speak. She really loved to talk and everything she said was ridiculous, so I didn't mind.

We park at this garage, but we still needed to taxi to Constitution Hall. We get a taxi, and the little one jumps in the front seat and chats it up with taxi man driver about Chelsea, who has no idea what she is saying. She asks him if he has a TiVo, he doesn't. We pull up to DAR and see this long ass line of people waiting to get in. We head to the back, but as our luck would have it, they opened up the doors in the back of the line, so we didn't have to wait. And so begins this adventure.

First of all, there are people everywhere. This place was a mess. Men and women of all shapes, sizes, and color. Yes, there were men. Why you ask? Funny you should inquire because Chelsea did mention in her routine about the men in the audience being either gay or dragged by their girlfriends to see her. And then she made mention of the ones who didn't fall in either category... those poor souls. 

We pass the book sales, and then the tshirt sales. We considered getting a tshirt, but when we saw the prices were 28 dollars, our minds swiftly changed and focused on finding the bathroom (I don't know why we just didn't invite the toilet to come with us that night, I totally wouldn't have minded dragging a porcelain pot throughout DC). Julie and I didn't have seats with Annie and Heather, so we parted ways. Julie and I located the "Lounge", which was downstairs (this "Lounge" was a place of some drama which will be mention later in the story). We found the bathroom. I mean, how can you miss it. The line was never ending. Luckily, the bathroom was large. Julie and I found secret portal to a few stalls with no line. HA. Fools.

We go back upstairs, and while walking up the steps, I see a sorority sister, nickname - Slowen. I say "Hi", but Julie doesn't know I stopped, so she continues upward and I fear abandonment, so I rush to catch up with her. She and I find our seats, which were pretty decent. We try looking for the other two, who were only about 10 rows in front of us. Julie calls Annie, and we found out some great news. If you buy her book, you get to meet her and get her autograph after the show. We B-Line for those books sales. $20 dollars? Small price to pay to meet you idol. I see Slowen in a confrontation with a girl who cut her in line. B*tch. 

We buy our books, find our seats again. This walk back to our seats was a true eye opener on the atrocities of some of the audience members. People are gross, period. I have never met guy who likes it when girl's tits are overflowing to resemble Niagara Falls. I also have never met a guy who likes a girl who looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and does that awkward shuffle when she wears 4 inch heels. Um, heels are supposed to give you confidence, thus the sex appeal. Like hellooo this isn't shuffle board. 

At our seats, we see Slowen is sitting a few to the left of us. That's pretty cool. Small world. I tweeted about being at the Chelsea Handler show, and Julie was texting one of her friends. The couple to our right was talking about us when they asked each other "Are those two texting each other?" "Ha, I think so."  Ha no jackasses, we weren't. It is possible we are on the phone at the same time doing something completely unrelated to each other. Go ahead and act all smug. You are ugly.

A dude who appeared to fall in the "other" category of not being gay or girlfriended, was sitting in front of us. He had Albert Einstein hair pulled back by a headband. Sick. He ended up sitting exactly in front of us after some seat mix up, hair and all, but had no companion. He blocked us from a perfect view.

Julie and I put on the wristbands that came with our books, which would get us in line to meet Chelsea. Julie put mine on and vise versa, but she accidentally ended up cutting off my circulation to my hand, causing discomfort. No matter though, well worth it to keep it on. 

The show starts off with Heather McDonald from Chelsea Lately. She was pretty funny. Her jokes were a lot about being a mother and stuff. Good material. We got a picture with her after the show.

                                         

She's on the far left--- notice the little Reese/Borat wife in the center? 

Heather finishes up. It's Chelsea's turn. 

  

Chelsea's entrance was a video of Chuey and her doing ridiculousness to Sexy Bitch by David Guetta. It ended up skipping and not working, so Heather McDonald had to come on again and buffer the crowd while they fixed it. Lame Constitution Hall. They restarted the movie, she came on stage.

Now, Chelsea Handler is pretty. She is blond, skinny, straight white teeth. You'd think she would have someone backstage to do her hair and make up. I guess I can't assume anything.

She was a hot mess. Hot. Mess. She was hammered. Hammered in the sense of you didn't know what the f*ck she was under the influence of. She was definitely drunk, but I don't know my drugs well enough to know what other substance she could have ingested. She very well may just have had 19 Belvedere and cranberries, as I'm 100% sure that was what she brought out on stage in her blue Solo cup. 

She starts of the show with a bang. Either she or Heather McDonald made a shout out to lesbians, and a whole section of the place erupted with dykes (not in a derogatory sense, but later on in the drama in the "Lounge" we have evidence they were indeed dykes due to hair cut, voice and mannerisms). She insults black red heads and gay retards, as apparently they have the worst. 

Now, during this people are still filtering in. Um hello? You spent 80 dollars on a ticket. You damn well better get here on time to get your money's worth and to not interrupt the show for others while you to find your damn seat. Next to this f*cking Albert Einstein in front of us came two Asians, who ended up having the worst laughs, and worst sense of humors. They laughed sure. But they didn't laugh at the right stuff. They laughed at the sh*t that you aren't supposed to laugh at, but internally think "That was funny". When Chelsea started making fun of Asians, I wanted them to be insulted and get up and leave. Nope. They laughed at her jokes of Asians smelling like egg rolls and not being able to drive. Typical. 

Chelsea sorta got weird towards the end when she rambled on about only liking fat babies without necks, and babysitting her niece who she wanted to film taking off her clothes (in a non-pedophilia way I guess). It was funny though. When the audience shouted things out to her, she didn't take to it  and put them in in their place. These black girls in the front row shouted something to her, and she called them by some stereotypical Roshannwa name and told them to shut up because "No one paid to hear me respond to you". Unfortunately, there was no Chuey featured. She made mention of everyone asking her about him, and told us he doesn't just appear before your eyes, as she is not a magician... It was funny, but I guess you had to be there.

Ghetto BlackBerry Storm with no zoom photograph. 

After the show we made our way down to the "Lounge" and of course there was a long-ass line. It got confusing as some of the line was waiting for the bathroom, and some for the autograph. We just followed the natural flow of things. Little did we know what drama ensued. 

There we are, just following the people in front of us in line. Molding with some other line that had formed, as there was no direction to do anything else. All of a sudden I see this group of fug dykes in front of us turn around and say something. 

"THE LINE STARTS OVER THERE" and she/it points across the room.

Um.... No? 

I didn't know what was happening at first, as we just, like I said, followed the people in front of us, going with the flow. 

"WE SAW YOU COME DOWN THE STAIRS THE LINE STARTS OVER THERE"

Um, a. Why are you watching us from the stairs? b. The line did not start "OVER THERE" as the line WE were in was much more densely packed with people as it started at the TOP of the stairs and c. No one told us otherwise, so go munch on some carpet. 

Of course I didn't say this, but I did say something along those lines, minus the carpet and watching from the stairs.

They kept giving us the evil eye. Little baby Heather said something too, as she was heated. The situation didn't get resolved, but more or less, dissolved. There was still animosity, as these b*tches started letting everyone cut us by joining them in line. Little did they know they were messing with a green belt in Judo from my days living in Japan. Whatevs. We were all going to see Chelsea, so everyone needed to find their happy place and calm the f*ck down. 

When we got behind the curtain (there was a long line to get behind the curtain line, where Chelsea was), we saw her. There was a girl running through the line asking what your name was, writing it on a Post It, and putting it on the inside of the book where Chelsea would sign. I put down my last name, as there are too many f*ckin girls with the name Sarah, and they could steal that sh*t, claiming they met her. No no, I told her my name was Raser. When I got up to her, she was like "Is your name Raser?" and I was like "YES;slkdfjl;aksjdf;" and she was like "Cool." OMGKJSDLKFj:LKJ cool!!?!?! 

                                                                                          

I don't have a real camera, nor do I have a good camera phone. I suffer from this day in and day out. 

After leaving, Borat Wife was still heated and kept shouting out things she would have said to those bush eaters if she was quicker on her feet. She ended up taking one of her heels off because her big toe was being crushed, and she limped the rest of the way back. I hope this is a good vision for your  imagination. A small child like girl limping in one heel shouting "WHAT ARE YOU THE LINE POLICE?!". Oh goodness.

I love Chelsea Handler. Hopefully I'll get to party with her one day and show her I am worthy of my own midget. Who knows, she might have a recommendation of where to buy a quality one who will braid my hair. 

BBC Cont'd

So Julie and Wayne (BBC) finally had sex. He came over on Friday night and before they did anything, there was something he needed to tell her.

Wayne: "Before this goes any further, I need to talk to you about something."
Julie:  in her mind: "WTF he's probably going to tell me he can't see me any more or there is some hooker on the side like with Tiger."
Julie : "Ok, what is it?" Trying to sound sweet/concerned
Wayne: "I am married."
Julie  in her mind: "WTF Ima kill dis b*tch how dare he be married? where my shot gun?!"
Wayne: "We are separated, but we live in the same house. We have two kids."
Julie  in her mind: "Dis n*gga think I stoopid?"
Julie : ....

This whole time he is wearing some stylish Affliction jeans with studs on the butt pockets. He was sitting in Julie's Wal Mart dining room chair, and scratched those b*tches up. She wants reimbursement.

He continued to tell her how he has been "trying to get out of the marriage" but "can't because they live together." Did anyone else know in order to get a divorce in Maryland (they live in Maryland), you have to be separated and not living with your spouse for a year? I didn't know that... Hopefully I'll never have to utilize this knowledge by a. not getting a divorce and b. not living in Maryland.

He finishes his sob story, and she thinks, (this quote is straight from Julie's mind)  "Well he was honest with me so I guess we can do it". So they did it. Twice. Second time longer than the first. It was okay. Nothing freaky deaky except for some ass smacks, which I guess is pretty kinky.

Leading up to this Friday, was a week of thrills and chills for the couple. On Tuesday, Wayne texted Julie  to meet at the elevator. So she gets there and they take it down the two stories of the building. She said it isn't a very common elevator, so they could get away with stuff. They made out for like 10 seconds in the elevator. There are security cameras everywhere, but the two don't think there are any in the elevator though, which is good, BUT her mom is very skeptical of the BBC after #1 and #2 douchebag.

Throughout the rest of the week she drops by his cube to visit him. A few times he pulls her in kisses her aggressively. One time he pushed her in the other chair and straddled her to make out with him. ANOTHER time he came up to her cube, rubbed her leg and told her how soft she felt. She told him she hadn't shaved. "I don't care," he replied. Ah, another fetish.

Now, remember that thing mothers tell daughters about not putting out? You know that whole deal of not giving the guy what he wants because he'll then leave you in the dust by never contacting you again? Well, Julie got this advice from her manicurist, Tammy.

Tammy is a small Vietnamese (at least I think she is Vietnamese?) woman who weighs no more than a life size American doll, and wears platforms sandals and likes to run around her nail salon to get place. If she needs to get a different polish, she runs to the front of the store where all the colors are. If she needs to answer the phone, she hauls ass to the cell phone right next to her. Her store is about the size of a small Popeye's, so there isn't much running room. But she likes to run, so who is to stop her?

Tammy tells Julie  "How you boy do?"  And Julie tells her about Wayne, and she proceeds to advise her to not give him what he wants "You wait! You keep him coming!!!" We went to get our nails done on Monday. That Friday, Julie gave in.

So Saturday goes by and he doesn't text or call. She is a little unnerved. We drunk dialed him on Saturday with my phone, but it went straight to voicemail, THANK GOD. He was probably with his children all night. They planned to go out to a movie at 12:30 on Sunday. That came and went. She was pissed.

She thought that MAYBE Tammy was right. Just maybe....

He then called and told her "his mother was coming into town on Sunday". Really? I don't think anyone comes into town on a Sunday.... Maybe a Friday? To stay the weekend? Sketch.

That Monday he comes into work late, and he looks disheveled and tired. "I didn't sleep well" he claimed. THE CHILDREN. She left around 4:30 because she was done with her work, and he texted her freaking out "YOU LEFT?!" "Um, yes," she replied. He called her, but then he told her he had to call her back. He never called back. That night she texted him "Thanks for calling back." "Let me call you after 24"... He chose Jack Bauer over Julie.

On Tuesday, same story. Tired, disheveled. He isn't at his office all day. That night she waits for him to call. At 11:30pm he rings her up. I told her he had to take care of the kids all night, but if that really was true he is a bad parent for putting his kids to bed so late. Maybe it was his mother he had to entertain? We don't know, but we sense some secrecy.

That next day (today actually, Wednesday 3/24), she gets to work. When she gets to her floor she sees him step out of the elevator with ANOTHER GIRL. CHEATER CHEATER PUMPKIN EATER! How DARE he ride the elevator with another female? It's a two story building, ummm HELLO? Do you NEED to take the elevator?? No. She was hoping he would text her to meet him at the elevators so she could say

Julie: "You already got some today"
Wayne: "From whom?!"
Julie: "From whoever that bitch was with you earlier"

I told her not to do this, as it appeared obsessive.

To end on a gay note, she told him she was thinking of getting a facial, and he replied "We should get facials together"

Gay. Freaky. Sketchy. Father. Seems like another bad choice of BBC for Julie.

TO BE CONTINUED

TCB

TCB ended up texting me. I have to say I pretty much felt like the biggest b*tch in the world upon reading his texts, as he actually did NOT have his phone at Shamrock Fest, AND he did was NOT aware his brother's phone called people with an unknown number. I mean, come on though, 1+1= 2, "not having your phone" + unknown number = rejection. I know my math... but apparently I was wrong.

He was quite possibly the most entertaining texter I have ever stumbled upon. His first text was a  novel explaining, in the most witty/charming way, about why he didn't call or text on Sunday (Shamrock Fest was on a Saturday, he told me he would text or call the next day, I didn't get one, Monday he sent me the novel). He had just gotten his phone back from his little brother, la dee da, he said he started a dance party after he left (+1 point), was sad he had to leave my side (+1), etc.... The texts are just a big blur of fun, lust, and sexting. Ok, no. I told him I don't sext on the first text, so he'd need to wait for that as I am a "lady".

This goes on for like one whole day (Monday). Funny, charming, witty texts. Remember-- I don't know his name. Fancy that. He at one point mentions how "I am as sharp as a razors-edge". I stopped in my tracks. I was scrambling in  my head "Does he know my last name?" "Is this a joke?" "Is this a coincidence he used the 'razors-edge' simile?"

I was contemplating ways of asking him if he knew my last name, WITHOUT him asking if I knew his name. Welllllll I just ended up asking him. "Do you know my name?" And he said something along the lines of "Sara (h). I don't know if it's with an H or not, and I don't know your last name, as I had to leave before I got that out of you" So I told him why I asked, I told him my last name. I was just WAITING for him to Facebook friend me, as we all know he jumped right on and found me. I called him out on it too, since it took awhile for him to text me back, "Are you stalking me now?" and he said yes and how he wouldn't friend me unless I would accept it. Um? Like I wouldn't?

Alas, no friend request came. Instead he asked if I wanted to go out on Tuesday or Wednesday. He told me he had a wedding in Florida from Thursday until Monday, so he wanted to "See me before I leave, so I can keep your attention" OoOo. Nice play TCB. We decided we'd meet on Wednesday (Dr. appt on Tuesday) and he had to leave on Thursday.

Wednesday just happened to be Saint Patrick's Day. Who would have thought that both times I meet TCB it involved leprechauns and an abundance of alcohol? Who knew.

I still didn't know his name.

So I go to work (I overslept, did my hair in the bathroom at work, wore a green dress, got a lot of compliments), am nervous, but mostly just nervous because I didn't know what the hell TCB looked like, or even his name. Not even the sound of his voice. I knew he went to Tech, played lacrosse, and had brothers. Cool.

We flirted a little throughout the day. There was some radio silence until about 4pm when I texted him (we were to meet around 5pm), and asked if he was a serial killer. I mean, I had to know right? He said he hadn't been caught yet. Ha ha. Funny.

5 o'clock rolls around. I told him I couldn't leave for another 10 minutes. "Ill call you in 12 then" he said. 12 minutes go by. No call. He called like two minutes after the 12, which I guess isn't that bad.... I told him the parking was going to be horrendous as it was A. Old Town Alexandria, B. Old Town Alexandria on St Patrick's Day. Bars already had lines.

Don't worry he said. I have connections. Meet me at Rocket Grill.

MMMkkkk I start walking, but I stopped in Banana Republic to find this jacket I really liked (I had a 40% coupon for that day ONLY). Didn't like it, kept walking. It was hot that day, so I was sweating (of course, typical Sarah).

He calls "Did I beat you here?" "Yes maybe" I sassed him. He sassed me. We are sassy.

I see him. I get nervous. We hug. He takes me into this wine tasting shop. His friend is the manager. He introduces me. I STILL don't know his name.

We drink a few little glasses of wine, we get tipsy. He is tall. He is cute. He is a boy. TCB.

We start talking about some things and he mentioned he just "got his phone back in January" and I was thought so many things "Where was he?? JAIL!?? Maybe he went to Haiti... Maybe he went to a deaf camp where they don't need phones..." I don't know. So I asked him.

He whips out his passport.

YES VICTORY --- I KNOW HIS NAME HIS SOCIAL HIS DOB HIS BIRTH LOCATION WHERE THE PASSPORT WAS ISSUED WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE AT 16.

MUAHAHAHAHA.

"After Tech, I decided to travel. I was Pre-Med (are you serious right now??), majoring in Bio. I had a friend who told me he traveled around Europe and taught English, it sounded interesting, so I signed up to have fun before medical school. I am fluent in Czech and I understand French and Spanish. I just got back in November, and will be going to Europe again in June. I just got a phone in January."

Double U Tee Eff

Umm... Cool? What do you say to something like that? I mean I guess I have an amazingly cool job. I help kids, but I have never been to Europe, I majored in Communication, and I live at home. Welcome to the good life.

We stay at this wine place for a bit, and I got to know the manager friend who educated me on wine and tearing up/putting back together cars (random some people's passions right?). TCB was supposed to pick up his brother after his class at 9:30... not going to happen.

We go out back, they do something that I don't do (not against, but I don't do it) and get a little bit red eyed. And the three of us chit chat. I don't know what we talked about, but I guess it wasn't that interesting.

TCB (I could tell you his name, but I don't think it's as remarkable as TCB) and I decided to go to the Fish Market down on King Street to continue our St. Patrick's Day crawl. He told me on the way there how he went to a local high school, and how one of his family friend's owns the Fish Market and how he helped to build it. Damn, I thought, he is going to know everyone.

He did.

We get there, and low and behold there is the brother I met on Saturday (he was very tall, and very cute, I will call him VTCB). With VTCB are like 5 of his friends from high school. This was a prelude to the bar. We talked with them, I got cold, he took me inside. We didn't need to show the bouncer our ID's. He knew the bouncer. We walked in and he knew the bartender. We walk to the other side. He knew, no joke, every single person we passed. Um?? There is no such bar like this for me and I certainly would avoid it at all cost... I like my anonymity. I thought I was in Cheers, "where everyone knows your name". Dayyammmn son, how you know all deez people?!

We order what the Fish Market calls a "schooner"--- basically a huge goblet of beer. I got the baby one (maybe one or two beers) and he got the mama one (4-6 beers, ridic).

Hot damn it was huge (that's what I said, and yes, I am a she, so that's what she said).

Did I mention he knew everyone? He knew the girls, the guys, the tallest man I haver ever seen, who was the bartender, the old men around us. Then there was me. Wallflowering. Dammit, I am no wallflower, but when someone outshines me in a social situation, I have absolutely NO idea what to do. It doesn't happen often. 

It was around 10pm when we left, as he had to pick up his brother, and it was past my bedtime. It was awkward when we parted ways, there was some weird cheek/lips kiss in his car, and that was that. 

Haven't heard from him since. 

I was not going to write this until today, Tuesday, as I gave him the benefit of the doubt of not texting since his was in Florida until Monday, and if he did end up texting me, there could have been more to this story. I mean he was in Florida at a family wedding, and he loves hanging out with his brothers who are also his best friends... I guess things got wild. I have no clue. BUT I do have a clue that he did not text me, thus I am again, going to be a spintzer for life. I guess I should start collecting cats (real life ones and figurines). What a shame.

Eff you TCB. I hope the movie Hostel becomes your life story in June. 

Pepper in teeth

I went out to lunch with one of my friends today. Chipotle to be exact. I got the Burrito Bowl. This consisted of (in this order) rice, black beans, peppers and onions, chicken, every type of salsa (corn, medium, tomato, hot), guacamole, and some lettuce.

It was delicious.

Unfortunately, I did not check my teeth before I went back to work.

I run into work, and tell my coworker a story about something that just happened, and smile a lot. Oh hahahahah so funny, so much laughter, so much teeth showing. That's nice. I'm so confident about my smile and that I didn't have anything in my teeth, as there were ample opportunities for me to be told "Ahem, Sarah" nudge nudge fingerpoint to teeth, as I said "HI!" to one of the directors and a supervisor in my building while at Chipotle OR maybe as I said "BYE!" to my friend when we departed, OR how about the time when I told my co-worker that story?? OR EVEN the time I walked to a hotel we use to drop a check off? The doorman couldn't have said anything? Aren't they bred to be courteous?? No one told me about this PEPPER in my teeth while I was walking down King Street? Did they like me to suffer in ignorance? I guess most people's mantra are "as long as they don't find out..." or "someone will tell them... I feel awkward letting them know". Look jackass, I am going to find out and I am going to know you didn't tell me. I will find out either tonight while in the privacy of my own home, or quite possibly later on while on my date with Bradley Cooper when he doesn't kiss me because I am a dirty girl with pepper in her teeth and I am confused because I am unaware of the placement of this dirty rotten spice.

Moral of the story: tell someone. Especially me. If I come to you dying to tell you about my date with Brad and how great it went, and how he wants to marry me, screw that Renee Zellweger girl (not screw like f*ck, but screw like "screw over"), and I just happen to have spinach in  my teeth from the spinach salad I just ate, you better know to interject and tell me straight up. "Look girl, you got sh*t in your teeth." "Oh thank you so much kind soul, I will forever be in your debt. You may have Brad and my first born."


Ok, I definitely would not give you Bradley and my first born baby, but I might give you him for a day. That's worth more than any physical element on Earth. Just an FYI.

Brad on our vacation to the water park. He was laughing at something silly I said about his rock hard abs. He is so modest.

eHarmony UPDATE

A friend, who we will call Bobby, knows one of the fine men from my eHarmony posting-- Jeff. Bobby is in the military, so is Jeff. Bobby went to Tech, so did Jeff. Jeff was funny, but a little weird. Jeff had a no bull-shit personality. Bobby liked that about him. Jeff struggled with girls, thus the online dating. He was also unfortunate looking in person. We do not know if Bobby is friends with Jeff on Facebook anymore.

This all started after Bobby told me he had a dream I was covered in Cocoa Puffs, ate them off of me, and then you can imagine the rest.

Thanks Bobby.

Funny

 I love your body too? This is awkward.
 FAIL.

Peeing

I had another doctors appointment yesterday (different doctor, not creepy B from physician's office). This doctor's office was in the same building as a dialysis clinic. I left work early, but I ended up being an hour and a half early. I just so happened to be wearing extremely painful shoes that day, and I also had to pee---badly. I had a dilemma: do I sit there for about an hour and wait to go pee OR do I go in, find the bathroom, and sit around the doctor's for an hour and half OR do I go in, pee, and come back out? The third option is the most optimal for obvious reasons, but my shoes hurt sooo much that it was NOT the decision I wanted.

I ended up trying to pee in my Snapple jar in my car. I pulled down my pants (not enough for the world to see my janx, but just enough so I could manuver it), and tried peeing in it. I then couldn't remember what hole girls pee out of and got nervous and pulled my pants up and sat back down. Failure number 1. I waited a good 5 minutes, but the suffering was wayyy too much, so I attemped this feat once again. Same thing. Couldn't remember which hole, feared the worst (drippage, wet pants, wet seat, pee everywhere essentially), and gave up. Failure number 2.

Remember, I was in front of a dialysis clinic?

Yes. I failed to pee TWICE in front of a dialysis clinic.

I felt so bad about my failures, I ran inside (so utterly mind blowingly painful for my poor feet), found the bathroom and peed. It was one of those utterly mind blowing pees that ended up making up for my shoes/feet. I walked out of there feeling like 100 bucks. Take that dialysis clinic.

eHarmony

Below is an example of what happens to you when you sign up for the trial version of eHarmony. 

Not recommended. 

WARNING: The word "Communication" is said frequently, but vital to story. 

This story started after Julie and B#2 broke up (remember he cheated on her). She was on the rebound, and I told her about what the "Free Communication Weekend" for eHarmony. (It was a special from Valentine's Day... free communication means being able to "communicate" with your matches from Thursday through Monday). Now, I had signed up for eHarmony before, simply out of curiosity, never actually meeting/talking to anyone... I think this had to do with my rude comments I put in my user profile "If you don't have wit don't bother" "I don't date fuglies" things of this nature. 

Julie and I signed up, which is a full 2-3 hour dedication, as you have to fill out some "Personality Profile" that was endless amounts of pages with questions on the Likert scale. 

"How agreeable are you" 1-10, 10 being very agreeable

Um... I am not about to put a 1 if I actually am not agreeable, I would put a 10 just to fight the power of the question because technically I wouldn't be at all agreeable, thus not agreeing with this question. Make sense?

So after you fill out this questionnaire, you have to fill in some bogus questions about what you like, what's the one thing you people don't notice about you at first that you'd like them to notice (um...? I am f*ckin awesome, but if they don't see that right up front, then why waste my time?), 5 things you can't live without (I took this really literally- food, shelter, water, fire, and chapstick), etc... Half the guys' profiles answered these questions by saying "You have to meet me to find out ;)" "Only my best friends know that ;)" and apparently, all girls put down that one of the 5 things they can't live without is lip gloss. Look, I mean no offense, but if I had to pick 5 things to live without, sticky sh*t you put on your lips that ends up fading after 20 minutes and gets all up in your hair is NOT going to make the cut.

The conclusion drawn from all that was making the profile was not an easy or fun task. Julie had no idea what to put because you are forced to sound flirty and cute, while being serious about the questions. 

Mmmk, next was the picture uploading. Of course we are going to pick the hottest pictures of us, so that was it's own situation of itself. I was very tan and quite booby in all pictures chosen if you catch my drift. 

Let the matching begin.

You know, they don't tell you that you can't actually SEE your matches. Sure, they tell you that you can "review your matches for free" but that really only entails looking at their profiles. No pictures. Julie and I were blind. We were completely sightless throughout this whole adventure. Knowing Julie though, she figured out a way around it. Before I can tell you how though, you'll need a brief understanding of how eHarmony works:

1. Match is made based on personality profiles and "compatibility" (ha)
2. You review your matches, see what you like, make contact
3. Contact can either be an "icebreaker" (you send a pre-made by eHarmony little first liner, somewhat like a pick up line, for example "I like your profile, let's chat ;)" ) or you send your "1st Questions" (again, eHarmony creates a list of multiple choice questions --there is a letter option where you can fill-in your own, non pre-made answer-- and you pick 5 to send to you match)
4. After you answer either of these, you then send your questions (or vise versa depending on who sent the first communication).
5. After the first set of "1st Questions"  you then send your "Must Haves/Can't Stands" (Must have sense of humor, Must Have Hygiene, Can't Stand Overly Sexual, Can't Stand Excessive Drinking.... etc)
6. If you STILL like this match, you both send your "2nd Questions", which are more thorough, not multiple choice, you have the chance to create your own, etc...
7. I don't know what happens after this... I didn't get that far. Maybe a casual sexual encounter? Who knows.

So from this, can you figure out how Julie got a hold of her match's pictures? Number 3. That whole "fill in your own answer" thing. She would send something along the lines of this "I would love to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie ;). By the way, I am using the free trial version of eHarmony, so I can't see your pix. Could you send them to Julie@email.com?" And this is where it got interesting. 

Below are some of the photos that she and I received. If this is illegal to be posting pictures of strangers, please tell me. I don't want to get arrested. If you are the moral police, shut your mouth. No one likes you anyways. 

Greg:

Mike: 

Jeff:

John:

Kenny:

Sean: 

Sean and Julie went on a date, and they texted for awhile. He went to Penn State, and misses "biking on the beautiful Pennsylvania mountainside" . He wasn't aggressive enough for Julie. 

Justin:

John:

Phil:

Phil was the only one I liked. He was witty and cute, but after some crazy stalking I realized we were not compatible. 

Below are our favorites-

Paul:

Notice the transition lenses. He is my own Napoleon Dynamite. 

Jed: 

Jed is Julie and my personal favorite. When we are down and need a good laugh, all we need to say is "Jed". I did not contact him after he sent me pictures, but he continued to "nudge" me on eHarmony- thanks for the nudge, Jed. 

Will:

 

Will was the best one. He was a 27 year pilot, who both Julie and I received as a match. I got him after Julie. He told her before I received him as a match, that he couldn't see her pictures. She didn't believe him. When I got him as a match, and realized who he was after he sent pictures, Julie asked me to send him back an email asking if he liked my "pix". I did, but again, he claimed he couldn't see them. I didn't continue talking to him. He and Julie went on a date, but he travels too much and didn't keep in contact with her. Julie was angry, but soon moved on to bigger and better BBC. 

I have not received an email with pictures for about 3 weeks. The photograph of my inbox is what I get instead. I have now realized I will not find love from eHarmony. If I am 30+ without any prospects, I might try again. Let us all say a prayer for those shown above. Let us hope they do find their true loves, because I certainly am not it. 

BBC

If you don't know what this title means (BBC), or you don't want to know, please don't continue reading. This is about my best friend Julie (the other one of my longest friends who's real name isn't Julie, but she wishes to remain anonymous). Julie likes black men (B). Plain and simple.

Julie dated this B in high school and for two years in college. He cheated on her. She then started on and off dating this other guy, during and after college, who also cheated on her. Douchebags. B # 2's name was Jayshawn (yes, I know, Jayshawn. I didn't make that up). Jayshawn was not good enough for Julie, but he was a nice guy (actually B # 1 was a very nice guy too, but they all end up cheating don't they). She liked him a lot,  especially his BBC (I will not say what this means, you can go off and Google it). He cheated. I hate him.

So Julie has always had this thing for B. B loves Julie. Why you ask me? I don't know. She is tall, pretty, and blonde, with light hazel/greenish eyes. She is thin, large boobies, and is funny. Now do you wonder why? No, I don't either.

In August '09, Julie became employed by a City around here working with clients who need money. There are a lot of B around her office. She loves Dunkin Donuts. From the beginning, she and one of the B's, Wayne, flirted about their love of Dunkin Donuts. Now, I guess it started from there. Somehow someone saw the other with a DD bag, and they bonded real quick. Cute, eh?

Wayne isn't the only B in the office. We also have Jaqduakiss. He works IT in her building. He is cute, I think? They flirt a lot. He isn't that important to this story.

Wayne works in her building. He bought Julie some DD a few times, and vise versa Julie was dating B#2 at this time, and she had a few pictures of them decorating her cub. We think this was Wayne's open door to liking Julie. What better way into an attractive white girl's heart, than giving her what she really wants? THE BBC. But he wasn't the only one who noticed the pictures in the cubicles .She noticed while dropping off a coffee or donut or whatnot, that Wayne had pictures of him holding a little girl. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, she assumed the girl was his niece NOT his daughter.

We think after he saw the pictures of B#2 with Julie, he just assumed she was into the black culture. Now I am not racist. Please do not think of me as it. But there are certain stereotypes that black people like rap music... If you fight this you are ignorant.  Anyways, Wayne dropped by Julie cube one day and inquired as to if she liked Jay-Z -"Have you heard the new Jay Z cd? You like that kind of music don't you?" --- Just because she dates a black guy she likes rap and hip hop? I guess that's an OK conclusion, but uhhhh, does that mean since he is interested in white girls that he likes Sarah McLauchlan and The Cranberries? I don't THINK so!

Wayne has either graduated high school, or college in 1995 (we can't tell from Facebook... all we know is that he graduated from something in 1995). This makes him either 33 or 37. I pray it's not the ladder.

They flirt a lot in the office, and one time he complimented her hands. Julie does have good hands (am I sounding lesbian or what?). I guess I've noticed because a. I've known her awhile and b. I hate my hands.

He compliments her hands, and then asks to take her to lunch. She already ate. She finds out he is one of those spur of the moment eaters, unlike me or her, who like to plan their lunch hour accordingly, fearing hunger like the Black Plague. This happens a few times, until finally she can pin him down to finally going to Famous Dave's one lunchtime. He continues to compliment her hands and her eyes, then he says,"Tell me if I compliment you too much." Ha, like a girl would say that.

They hug and depart ways.

No red flag he is a father... yet.

Again, they flirt in the office (via phone or email, in person flirting is too riskayy)

   Wayne- Want a Reeses Cup?

   Julie- Yes!

   Wayne- Cum claim it! (yes he used "Cum")

He also had this tendency to grab and kiss her hands... I am sensing a hand fetish. 

Now for the dirty dirty.

They made plans for dinner, and on her way to her car, she saw his car... this car had a car seat in it. The red flag has been raised. After dinner, they only kissed blah blah boring.

The following weekend, they decided to "hang out". Does anyone really know the definition of "hanging out" when it comes to the opposite sex? Unless clear friend boundaries have been formed (such as Jon and me... I mean, I made him try squeezing poop out of me once-- it didn't work), you cannot hang out without showering, shaving, and strategically planning an outfit. 

So Julie and Wayne are hanging out at her apartment, drinking wine, and watching Couples Retreat. They start making out. They start petting... heavily. She starts using her mouth on the BBC, and she notices something out of the ordinary. Gray hairs. I guess once you graduate from college, this become more common? I am shocked to say the least. Will that happen to me??? Am I going to go silver down under??? Are all my obsessions with Silver Foxes (Anderson Cooper) a lie??? Oh I need to re-evaluate my life.

Before they do anything though, he stands up from the couch and tells her how perfect the couch is for f*ck*ng. Eww B! GROSS! He then does stuff to her, but she maintains her "WTF" about finding Silver (I mean, she wasn't on a treasure hunt or anything.... that Silver just snuck up on her, and it's not like she can cash it in). After he touches her special place, he puts his fingers in his mouth and says "I am a freaky mother f*cker" 

AH!

They don't do it, but they do get close. He exclaims he can't do this anymore because he is going to ____ in his pants. Eww B! GROSS!

The next day at work, he sends her a video of his BBC bouncing. Yes, you heard me right. His BBC bouncing. 

They see each other while going to the bathroom... he does that weird grabbing of the hand thing again.

Oh and his email address is not EXACTLY this, as I have changed the name to protect the freak - jacquishnasdaddi@gmail.com. What conclusion are we to draw here?

TO BE CONTINUED

Does Wayne have a child?

The TRUTH about why Julie and B get along so well.

What will be their next step in this freakomatic relationship?

Follow me for another episode of the BBC.

XOXO,

Sarah

ShamROCK Fest

Yesterday, March 13th, was Shamrock Fest. Essentially, a day to drink. Drinking is fun. Thus this day was fun. Now, the post below is a vague recollection of what actually went on, as I am quite unsure of all the details due to the "drinking is fun" remark. Drinking has a weird affect on memory... I don't know if it affects anyone else like that. Sometimes I think no one else in the world has discovered the magnificence of alcohol, as no one is stupid enough to subject themselves to a hangover. Hangovers are the worst. The worst.

ANYWAYS, Shamrock Fest. It was fun. It started out with me waking up at the butt crack of dawn aka 6:30am. Why you ask? Who the hell knows. Thanks body. Thank biological clock, as I really really need a wake up call.

So I wake up, go make some oatmeal, go upstairs, do my hair (my hair will be another entry of itself... it's its own entity), pack up, and go pick up Jon (Jon is one of two of my oldest friends). We have some friends from college who live in Arlington, where we stay on the weekends (him more often than me).  We get there, and one of our friends, Tiffani, is visiting from Tech (Virginia Tech that is... I am an '09 grad). She dates our friend Hastings. Hastings lives with Goetz (these are last names, they have the same first name, Matt, drive the exact same car, look alike, and are BFF4L, so cute!). Jon, Hastings, Goetz, Tiffani, and I go get some Pho. What a great way to start an Irish festival day. Eating Vietnamese soup. Did I mention I already ate oatmeal? Yes I did. Did I also mention it's raining? And one more thing I don't know if I mentioned- I did my hair. I curled it to be exact. Rain is not conducive to maintaining curled hair. Remember- it's an entity itself.

From the Pho restaurant, I stole a chopstick because it's raining and I have to wear a black/greyish poncho, so why not steal a chopstick to make myself look like a Harry Potter character? I wanted to be a Dementor.

After Pho, we head to the ABC store. I buy Jameson for our Car Bombs (my demise). Goetz and Jon buy some sh*t to make some Green Alligator drink (also my demise).

We head over to Jenny and Kaye's apartment (I will refer to them individually or as a whole as "Kenny"). Kenny are our friends from Tech as well. We get there, and there are a whole bunch of people I don't know. So I did what anyone would do, I do a Car Bomb. Of course I didn't do it by myself, don't be stupid. Kenny, Goetz, Jon and I did one. I beat them....

Anyways, Goetz makes me this drink called the Green Alligator which consists of Bicardi Lemon, Bicardi 151, Orange Juice, Sweet and Sour mix, and that blue raspberry stuff that no one really knows the name of.  I have a few of those. One more Car Bomb (I win again- I have a big mouth...).
I'm gone. Cya later.

We take the metro to Shamrock Fest. I don't remember this very much, I wish I did. At this point I love my poncho. Loved it.

We get there, and it's so rainy. Who cares though? I brought about 70 dollars with me.... I woke up this morning with 30. I don't remember spending 40 dollars. I know I bought three drink tickets, and some fish and chips at one point. Hrmm.... this is all besides the point.

At one time, we ran under a tent for some reason (no idea why.... it rained all day, it's not like we were trying to stay dry.). We are in this tent, and Kaye and I started talking to these two guys who ended up being brothers. One was cuter than the other, and he is the one I will call Tall Cute Boy (TCB). TCB and I are chatting, which I guess you could consider flirting? I don't know how to flirt. TCB tells me he went to Tech. COOL INSTANT LOVE. For those who are reading (I doubt anyone is) and don't know me (I honestly don't think I am interesting enough to be read unless you know me), I am EXTREMELY picky when it comes to the opposite sex and all those rules of attraction. I don't think of myself as picky, but I guess everyone else does. Why is it so much to ask for a guy taller than me (I am 5'10, so this is the number one biggest difficulty), cute, NOT balding, employed, with a sense of humor? This is the rough outline of what I need in a man. I don't need a scrub, a fug, or a freak. TCB seemed to have all these things. He was tall (I only remember him being tall because I had to look up), cute (I think he was cute, but who knows really, I had some Green Alligator goggles on), funny, from Tech, and relatively put together. Kaye ended up telling me he was cute, so my Green Alligator goggles weren't on. He was great. I felt 'chemistry'-- wtf is chemistry-- and I wanted him to like me. He ended up having to leave because his brother had to go. Now, I don't remember if HE asked or I asked him, but I know I ended up giving him my number... in his brother's phone. If a guy says he doesn't have his phone with him, and needs his brother's phone to take my number, do I believe him? He called me so he could store my number, so I thought "Well he called me, so at least I have his brother's number....". NO. The number came up as "Unknown" when I looked later. WTF. Jackass TCB blocked his brother's number from me??? SIGH WHY ME GOD WHY. I am a spinster in training.

My Post-TCB experience was foggy... I know I got separated from Kenny, Goetz, Jon, Ashley (another friend from Tech), and MJ (some guy I met at Kenny's apt). I don't remember who else was there??? Is that bad?? I don't remember who we went with, god damned alcohol. I remember MJ and I going to watch The Roots (the only band I really wanted to see, I saw them in Richmond three years ago, love it). The drummer threw his towel out to the audience, and I caught it. So great. I was so happy. I know I kept telling MJ I didn't know where my phone was, but I didn't care- I had that towel.

We found Kenny (Kaye had my phone, along with Jon's). We didn't know where Jon, Ashley, or Goetz were. This is when I bought my fish and chips. I think it was good. We went to watch Train.

Train was interesting. We stood there for about an hour waiting. In my head I thought "Why the hell am I standing in the rain, surrounded by people (people who like Train enough to stand here and wait aka NOT my type of people) being pushed and shoved, waiting to listen to a band who I've only heard three songs from? Soul Sister, Drops of Jupiter, and Meet Virginia..."I felt like a super fan, without actually being a fan. So I guess I just felt super? No. I did not. Some guy pissed me off, and then asked me what color my eyes were, and I sassed him because he pissed me off, and he looked at MJ and told him "She is SO HOT isn't she??" This pissed me off even more.

So, I'm still waiting, and I chatted it up with a mother-daughter duo who looked like a cross between a biker dyke chick (no offense to gays... I love you obvi) and a unicorn/butterfly t-shirt wearing, french braiding girl. The mother was a bitch. She liked me though, so when another friend of ours, Carrie, came to stand with us, she didn't get mad. Thank god. She was scary. She told off more people than I can count about pushing their way up to the stage (we were right up on that stage... very optimal spots if you you are a Trainette-- I will explain that soon).

So Train came on, and the lead singer was gay, but he is married to a woman. He was very small. His legs did not touch. I do not like that in a man. BUT the girls LOVED him. He at one point called a few girls up on stage, gave them all a t-shirt, and made them sing along with him. Cool guy. The tshirt said "Trainette". I would not be caught dead in such a garmet. Trainette? Am I a cross between a form of transportation run by coal and a hairnette? No.

The mother and daughter kept saying they wanted to fuck the singer. I was disturbed. They said it more than once. Gross.

I wanted the drummer, but I just googled him and found out he is a religious artist, who is the brother of Carrie Underwood. Religious music.  I am embarrassed now that in my drunken stupor I was so infatuated. I can't emphasize this enough - religious music . Religion. Jesus. All that has to do with the bible, blood of Christ, and metal fish you put on cars.

Jon was not with us at this time, and I had his phone. On our way home we found out that he metro'd back to Arlington by himself, went back and forth between Goetz/Hastings' and Kenny's apartments, with no luck getting into either, took a 30 dollar taxi cab home thinking it was 7 AM, realizing it was 7 PM when back at home, drove back to Arlington, and called me cunt more than enough times because I had his phone (he was using Goetz's phone, who also ended up back in Arlington??)

Jon stole the damn couch, so we had to feet to head it as there was no where else for me to sleep. Realizing mid way through the night how awfully uncomfortable that was, I moved to the floor.

I woke up in pain in the morning, and Jon informed me Hastings was not there, and I could sleep in his bed. Thanks Jon. Thanks for telling me when I wake up.

We slept a little more, woke up and went to Ray's Hell Burger, which was the most erotic burger I've ever had. Never had I tasted such a delightful thing. It dominates 5 Guys hands down. And there were sweet potato fries involved.

I drove home, and wrote this long ass posting.


XOXO,

Me