eHarmony

Below is an example of what happens to you when you sign up for the trial version of eHarmony. 

Not recommended. 

WARNING: The word "Communication" is said frequently, but vital to story. 

This story started after Julie and B#2 broke up (remember he cheated on her). She was on the rebound, and I told her about what the "Free Communication Weekend" for eHarmony. (It was a special from Valentine's Day... free communication means being able to "communicate" with your matches from Thursday through Monday). Now, I had signed up for eHarmony before, simply out of curiosity, never actually meeting/talking to anyone... I think this had to do with my rude comments I put in my user profile "If you don't have wit don't bother" "I don't date fuglies" things of this nature. 

Julie and I signed up, which is a full 2-3 hour dedication, as you have to fill out some "Personality Profile" that was endless amounts of pages with questions on the Likert scale. 

"How agreeable are you" 1-10, 10 being very agreeable

Um... I am not about to put a 1 if I actually am not agreeable, I would put a 10 just to fight the power of the question because technically I wouldn't be at all agreeable, thus not agreeing with this question. Make sense?

So after you fill out this questionnaire, you have to fill in some bogus questions about what you like, what's the one thing you people don't notice about you at first that you'd like them to notice (um...? I am f*ckin awesome, but if they don't see that right up front, then why waste my time?), 5 things you can't live without (I took this really literally- food, shelter, water, fire, and chapstick), etc... Half the guys' profiles answered these questions by saying "You have to meet me to find out ;)" "Only my best friends know that ;)" and apparently, all girls put down that one of the 5 things they can't live without is lip gloss. Look, I mean no offense, but if I had to pick 5 things to live without, sticky sh*t you put on your lips that ends up fading after 20 minutes and gets all up in your hair is NOT going to make the cut.

The conclusion drawn from all that was making the profile was not an easy or fun task. Julie had no idea what to put because you are forced to sound flirty and cute, while being serious about the questions. 

Mmmk, next was the picture uploading. Of course we are going to pick the hottest pictures of us, so that was it's own situation of itself. I was very tan and quite booby in all pictures chosen if you catch my drift. 

Let the matching begin.

You know, they don't tell you that you can't actually SEE your matches. Sure, they tell you that you can "review your matches for free" but that really only entails looking at their profiles. No pictures. Julie and I were blind. We were completely sightless throughout this whole adventure. Knowing Julie though, she figured out a way around it. Before I can tell you how though, you'll need a brief understanding of how eHarmony works:

1. Match is made based on personality profiles and "compatibility" (ha)
2. You review your matches, see what you like, make contact
3. Contact can either be an "icebreaker" (you send a pre-made by eHarmony little first liner, somewhat like a pick up line, for example "I like your profile, let's chat ;)" ) or you send your "1st Questions" (again, eHarmony creates a list of multiple choice questions --there is a letter option where you can fill-in your own, non pre-made answer-- and you pick 5 to send to you match)
4. After you answer either of these, you then send your questions (or vise versa depending on who sent the first communication).
5. After the first set of "1st Questions"  you then send your "Must Haves/Can't Stands" (Must have sense of humor, Must Have Hygiene, Can't Stand Overly Sexual, Can't Stand Excessive Drinking.... etc)
6. If you STILL like this match, you both send your "2nd Questions", which are more thorough, not multiple choice, you have the chance to create your own, etc...
7. I don't know what happens after this... I didn't get that far. Maybe a casual sexual encounter? Who knows.

So from this, can you figure out how Julie got a hold of her match's pictures? Number 3. That whole "fill in your own answer" thing. She would send something along the lines of this "I would love to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie ;). By the way, I am using the free trial version of eHarmony, so I can't see your pix. Could you send them to Julie@email.com?" And this is where it got interesting. 

Below are some of the photos that she and I received. If this is illegal to be posting pictures of strangers, please tell me. I don't want to get arrested. If you are the moral police, shut your mouth. No one likes you anyways. 

Greg:

Mike: 

Jeff:

John:

Kenny:

Sean: 

Sean and Julie went on a date, and they texted for awhile. He went to Penn State, and misses "biking on the beautiful Pennsylvania mountainside" . He wasn't aggressive enough for Julie. 

Justin:

John:

Phil:

Phil was the only one I liked. He was witty and cute, but after some crazy stalking I realized we were not compatible. 

Below are our favorites-

Paul:

Notice the transition lenses. He is my own Napoleon Dynamite. 

Jed: 

Jed is Julie and my personal favorite. When we are down and need a good laugh, all we need to say is "Jed". I did not contact him after he sent me pictures, but he continued to "nudge" me on eHarmony- thanks for the nudge, Jed. 

Will:

 

Will was the best one. He was a 27 year pilot, who both Julie and I received as a match. I got him after Julie. He told her before I received him as a match, that he couldn't see her pictures. She didn't believe him. When I got him as a match, and realized who he was after he sent pictures, Julie asked me to send him back an email asking if he liked my "pix". I did, but again, he claimed he couldn't see them. I didn't continue talking to him. He and Julie went on a date, but he travels too much and didn't keep in contact with her. Julie was angry, but soon moved on to bigger and better BBC. 

I have not received an email with pictures for about 3 weeks. The photograph of my inbox is what I get instead. I have now realized I will not find love from eHarmony. If I am 30+ without any prospects, I might try again. Let us all say a prayer for those shown above. Let us hope they do find their true loves, because I certainly am not it.